Building reward systems that work for your family

We have many perennial conversations in ECFE. Establishing healthy eating habits, developing sustainable sleep schedules, and getting through toilet training are, unsurprisingly to anyone who has ever had small children, perhaps the most obvious of these repeat discussions. With the new year on the horizon, and our consideration in the last newsletter of establishing and maintaining our very own holiday traditions, it makes sense to spend some time thinking about the mindful creation of a couple other systems in our families and homes. Every year in every parent group at ECFE, parents want to talk about how to strike the balance between providing external motivation for their children, and inducing an intrinsic desire to participate as teammates in the home. We’re talkin’ about sticker charts, friends.

And when I say “sticker charts,” I really mean whatever iteration of a reward system you might use. In my childhood home, my parents mounted wooden slats beneath the microwave. Each of us kids had one of our own, and we’d be issued poker chips to slide into the slats when we did specific things as expected. Once our little slat was full of chips, we’d get our reward. I’ve seen quarters and pom-poms and popsicle sticks and plastic gems. As with so many things in parenting, there’s no single right way to build a reward system, but there are some important considerations that can optimize their use.

First of all, making sure you understand the difference between a bribe and a reward will allow you to move forward in creating your system with a clear conscience. Rewards are given after the desired behavior occurs, and are usually pre-established and mindfully planned ahead of time, while bribes often come out of in-the-moment desperation to influence your child’s behavior.

Second, make sure your system is carefully considered and intentional. There are plenty of resources out there, but this article has some great quick pointers to get you started with confidence!

Finally, remember that your praise counts as a reward! We often forget that when we can “catch our child doing something good” and praise them for it, this simple act can be one of the most powerful tools we have for connection (and spoiler alert: good connection leads to better compliance). Furthermore, praising children for their efforts not only gives a child immediate validation, but also establishes an important foundation for their continued development of a growth mindset.

Coming up in our next newsletter, we’ll cover a related popular discussion topic: young children and chores! If you want to talk to me about reward or chore systems between now and then, please don’t hesitate to reach out. Happy Holidays!