Fighting the urge to 'fix' sibling conflict when it happens

On a recent afternoon, as my family piled into our vehicle after a lot of exciting activity, my 6th-grader wanted my 4th-grader to scoot over. She refused. He didn’t know about the bruise she had in the very spot where he made contact as he (suddenly quite “clumsily”) navigated his way to the vacant seat on the other side of the van, but his bump was rough, and intentional. Both of them were unreasonable and petty, and both of them made a wrong choice.

Less than an hour later, my 6th-grader had used sidewalk chalk on our driveway to draw a basketball court around his hoop. He included special markings for his younger sister to feel empowered and more evenly-matched, including closer free-throw and three-point lines just for her. Perhaps this was a peace offering, and perhaps this was an apology, but I really don’t think it was. I just think that they’d both moved on, and it was time to play (somehow, still more) basketball, and he needed his most steadfast companion to willingly join him on the court. They’re siblings and they fight. They fight every day. Their relationship ruptures, and they repair that same relationship, on repeat, every day.

When our children fight with each other, we parents might feel an extra urgency to “fix” the problem. There’s a lot of stress that comes along with sibling conflict, perhaps especially for the parents! We need to do our best to move past the impulse to make a judgment and wrap the issue up quickly, and instead help our children navigate these situations in ways that are truly restorative for all involved. Continuing to practice this (none of us will ever be perfect at it) means that we can make our best attempt at fostering the sort of life-long relationships that we hope our children will have with each other. When one sibling is very small, much of this work needs to be done through proactively defining space for the older child and redirecting the younger one. As children get a little older and begin playing alongside and with each other, parental mediation begins to look different.

The best personal anecdote I can offer on this topic is the regular (and continued) use of the “sibling kindness” reward in my house. When they were small, it may have looked like a sticker on a chart, words of affirmation, or a secret little treat. Now, we no longer call it a “sibling kindness” reward, and it always comes in the form of a sincere and private “thank you,” describing what we saw and why we appreciated it. There’s a lot more on this topic, of course, but you’ve heard enough from me for now (remember that if you want to troubleshoot your own situation further, one-on-one parent consultation time with a parent educator is available to you for free, as long as you have one child in your family who is in third grade or younger).

I want to leave you with a reading list - I promise, it’s a good one (especially the quick guide - easy and fast)!

• Peaceful Parent, Happy Siblings: How to Stop the Fighting and Raise Friends for Life, by Dr. Laura Markham
• Siblings Without Rivalry: How to Help Your Children Live Together So You Can Live Too, by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish
  • Make sure to check out this handy, accurate, and accessible “quick guide” visual if you don’t have time to read a whole book!
• And, with credit to Heather, 11 Incredible Strategies to Improve Sibling Relationships from The Centered Parent.